Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Entry #90

No One Would Catch Fire
by D. Biswas


I love it when you run.

It gives me something different to do. You know how this constant stream of lectures, seminars, papers, bore me. A thousand times I’ve told you, you’re my protégé’. I’m the mentor, you the mentee. There is no escape.

I teach your body, mind, and soul, and while I teach your body, you enjoy it—all those tricks to please a man, that you need to learn if you want to come up in the world. You’re a girl, remember that.

You’re like the sun, you said to me, the first time I tore up your petals, and the room reeled with your woman smell. I feel as if I’ve burned up and dissolved, you said.

Too much poetry, I said as I gathered clothes back to my wrinkled body, you’ll learn.

But now I know you were right.

I had melted you that first time, those first months. Should have kept you that way, molten, burning with ‘passion’, ‘poetry’. Instead, I let you harden, catch your own fire. You have nightmares, you told me, where I’m a black hand, reaching towards you, closing in.

You have become your own sun, and you want to set the world on fire. I see that.
But you have to learn one last lesson: our insignificance. Nothing matters. No one would catch fire.

But you will burn.

I’m too old to give chase, put out the fire. But I can wait in ambush.

44 comments:

Guilie said...

This is fantastic! Very well wrought, a captivating dialogue of a tale of love that, like so often happens, turns to violence. Beautifully told!

Damyanti said...

Thanks Guilie....:)

I don't know if I got it across, but it is more about dominance than violence.

Guilie said...

It did, very clearly (and somewhat ruthlessly). Beautifully done! *takes hat off*

Damyanti said...

*blush*

It is also about the cynicism of old age, of the feeling of invincibility of youth, of too many mixed emotions, and how things are grey, not black and white :)..Dunno if I got it all in, but your comment was reassuring! Thanks for the follow on twitter, and I'm off to follow you back :)

Sarah Hina said...

Raw and totally compelling. The rhythm of the sentences really worked for me. Well done.

Precie said...

I'm rather creeped out by this...but I suspect that's a good thing. Vivid and excellent voice.

Arlee Bird said...

Idealistic youth versus cynicism of jaded experience captured nicely, creepily.


Lee
Tossing It Out

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

It was creepy, and there is the factor of the age difference, his body is wrinkled, hers young and spry. I like the last line "I'm too old toe give chase, put out the fire. But I can wait in ambush." Sneaky too.

Dottie :)

phatichar said...

Beautifully written. :)

Damyanti said...

Thanks Sarah, Precie, Lee, Dottie, Phatichar for taking the time to comment and your encouraging words.

Cath Barton said...

Chilling

Gladys Hobson said...

I love it when you run...
I can wait in ambush.

And in between a smorgasbord of delightful phrasing expressing the age old chase of man and woman, of age and youth.

Damyanti said...

Thanks, Cath.

Thanks, Gladys...for some reason this picture became all about old age and youth, love and possession and flight...thankyou for coming by here to comment.

PencilGirl said...

Amazing as ever, but creepy to boot! That voice- that aggressive, dominating voice- it gave me the shivers... Good one, Damyanti! :) :)

Peter Davidson said...

Perfect encapsulation of the fight between age and youth, beautifully written!

Bryce Daniels said...

"...the first time I tore up your petals..."

You have an amazing command of the language. Stunning.

Aimee Laine said...

But I can wait in ambush.
Such foreshadowing!

Catrina said...

I was strongly reminded of Lolita, given the predatory vibe I'm getting.

Normally I'm not a fan of the 2nd person, but this works quite well.

Arresting. Good job.

Damyanti said...

Pencilgirl, You're kind and generous as always. I was going for creepy and domineering, so i"m glad it creeped you out :). Thanks for coming by here to comment!

Damyanti said...

Peter, yes, on one level it is that, and I'm glad I was able to get it across. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Damyanti said...

Bryce, you are good for my confidence as a writer :). I wish I could better my command though!

Damyanti said...

Aimee, yes, I wanted to end on that note, because he does not give up (not in a positive sense lol).

Damyanti said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Damyanti said...

Catrina, thank you for your kind comment.

Yes, it does have a predatory vibe, and though she is not as young as Lolita, being a college student, there is definitely that element.

I wasn't trying to write in the second person here. It is in the first person, but more like a letter, where he is addressing the other person...whereas in second person the "you" is a general you, not specific. Hope I'm saying this right :)

BornStoryteller said...

This can be taken in so many ways, and each one leads itself to one thing: what a GREAT read.

Creepy and great writing.

Aidan Fritz said...

This has a sense of malevolence, but I love the mentor/mentee relationship that seems to almost sour as the mentee seems to be at that point of no longer needing the mentor. Great voice.

SzélsőFa said...

i admit i didn't get it for the first reading. after having read the comments it all became clear. i reread and was frightened by attitude of the speaker. the threat that comes through his voice. at times he is kind, or pretending to be, but most of the time he is dry and agressive - this line for example tells a lot you need to learn if you want to come up in the world. You’re a girl, remember that.

Erratic Thoughts said...

Oh man!such rutheless male domination...n you have portrayed it so nicely that it creeps out the reader..good work :)

Damyanti said...

Thanks, Stuart, Aidan, you're very kind.

SzélsőFa, yes he isn't a very nice man...thanks for taking the time to read the piece twice, and also the comment.

Erratic thoughts, thank you :)

Jay R. Thurston said...

Strong conviction with this character. Bitter words of warning from an aged source. Excellent!

jrthumbprints said...

Now why do I have visions of Picasso in my head?

Talli Roland said...

Love the voice in this.

Michael Morse said...

Teacher and student, the teacher done, student just beginning, he opened the door, she wants to explore, but will he let her? Wow, even if I'm way off that's what went through my mind as I read, and the images were vivid. Thank you!

Apple Ardent Scott said...

Ah, the dominant must wait in ambush! Goes to prove that the only power the dominant one has is merely what the submissive one allows... the piece ends with weighty possibilities. Well written.

bluesugarpoet said...

"...as I gathered clothes back to my wrinkled body..." Eewww! I am both disgusted and compelled by that line - so much said in one short phrase. Well done painting a picture of this fractured relationship. ~Jana A

Old Kitty said...

Writing in second person is so hard for me and such a skill and here you've done it, by jingo!! This is such a wonderful complex story! thank you, take care
x

Rachel said...

The 3rd paragraph where he talks about teaching her....I almost stopped there. Chilling and painful.

It's not about age, it's about control and he knows even if he's slower he will outwit her.

It made my sad, but well written.

Kudos for writing about a taboo subject!

Mikki said...

There's something haunting about this scenario; a chilling effect that grabs hold and doesn't let go until the last line. Nice work.

Thank you for sharing!

Richard Levangie said...

One of my favorites, and I've been reading in order. :-) The writing is strong, but the dichotomies are what give this piece its resonance and power.

Drew said...

I agree with the predatory vibe, something threatening with a tinge of darkness as well. Nice work!

Aerin said...

This is definitely first person, it couldn't be otherwise, and it's decidedly creepy and disturbing. It's also fantastic social commentary.

Damyanti said...

Thanks, everyone for your warm words. I was terrified when I sent this in for the contest. I have been offline over the weekend, and am humbled to see all these comments in my absence.

Even if this piece does not place anywhere in the contest, thanks to the comments I'll still know I'm on the right path and only have to work harder to get there.

JaneyV said...

Damyanti - you did a very fine job with the voice in this piece. I actually feel shivers reading his thoughts. There is a dominating, controlling presence here and I want to shout " DON'T STOP - for goodness sake, keep running!"

jason evans said...

That was a unique structure and delivery. Impressive! And the story it carried was rich. Well done! A high scorer!

A contender. Congrats on Forties Club!