Tuesday, December 20, 2011
How the Grinch REALLY Stole Christmas
My seventh year was the last year I believed in Santa Claus.
And the Grinch is to blame.
I didn't have older siblings to spill the beans. The bratty neighbor didn't dime out St. Nick. No, it happened when I had an epiphany while watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Well, that's not entirely fair. It was a combination of the Grinch and a standard, everyday clock. Those were the tools of my loss of innocence.
Here's how it went down. We all know that the Grinch is a burglar and a larcenist. He'd be doing hard time if it weren't for the fact that the Whos are biologically incapable of conceptualizing jails. I watched the Grinch breaking and entering via the chimney. I watched him slink around the room and manage to add corruption of minors to his rap sheet as he made off with the presents, food, and Cindy Lou's trust in adults forever. The epiphany came, however, when I suddenly realized how…much…time…it……took. Around 5 minutes for a single house.
That got me thinking. Even if you worked in some serious magic mojo and assumed that Santa could teleport himself in and out of the house in 1 second, my immediate neighborhood alone would take one minute to deliver the goods. If my neighborhood took one minute, a few square miles around me could easily take 1 hour. You see where this is going. There just isn't enough time, man. Wake up and smell the math.
I didn't really hate the Grinch for ruining the magic of my childhood.
If anything I blamed myself for being so thick.
But maybe I'm being too forgiving. We just had to break the anti-Santa news to our 12-year-old.
Maybe the song was right. Maybe I was robbed worse that the Whos.
Stink, stank, stunk.