Thursday, November 08, 2007

Entry #11

Homecoming
by Sarah Hina


I was meant to fall in love that night.

Homecoming Dance was my shabby canvas, a Zuckerman twin my silkier muse. Chloe Z., who claimed to be a reincarnated goddess, rubbing henna onto her hands, her hair, her calico “art.” I condoned this crazy for lissome legs and musical ankles, which, granted, I’d only peeped through shredded stockings and the eyelets of combat boots. The skin underneath? As wanton as a waning moon, winking across the crowded night.

I gunned the Firebird down the country road, cursing myself for being late on such a night, for such a girl. Her corsage, a weak carnation, quivered on the passenger seat, along with empty bottles and a box of rubbers.

It was autumn. The leaves were cheap confetti, tumbling through the air.

Rounding a curve, something darted across my path. I slammed on my brakes, tires skidding, until the hood smacked something (white) and shuddered into silence.

I stepped out of the car.

Afterward, I stepped back in.

Rumors followed that Chloe was pissed. I couldn’t care. High school was a fucking fairy tale by then, without the tra-la-la ending. I drove on, down other roads.

But sprawled under this calico sky, I remember another harvest dawn. And how I shivered atop the stiffening grass, dully absorbing that autumn is Nature’s last ejaculate, before the rigor mortis of winter, and spring’s rebirth.

I was meant to fall in love that night.

But for those tumbling, tumbling leaves.

Stained henna, stained with blood.

20 comments:

Jaye Wells said...

At first, the ambiguity left me confused, but after another reading I was hooked. You have a power with imagery and a great voice. Nice job.

Angela said...

What incredible description, "the leaves were cheap confetti", and "autumn in nature's last ejaculate. . ". Good story; enough mystery to let the imagination play.

SzélsőFa said...

Vrey expressive visuals here. I don't think I got the story, but liked it anyway.

Bernita said...

A brilliant piece - as expected.

Sarah Hina said...

Thanks, everyone. I hoped it wasn't too ambiguous. Basically, the character mistook the leaves for an animal (which I have done), and ended up hitting someone with his car.

Thanks for the compliments. I'm enjoying everyone's contributions here.

Church Lady said...

I loved the last two lines.

I also had to reread it, and once I got it, really enjoyed it.

Nicely written!!

The Anti-Wife said...

Nicely written, but I really didn't understand it.

Beth said...

Our story is so alike and so different, it's frightening. I can't believe two people came up with the same premise, yet it is so utterly different. I'm a bit dumbfounded by that. I didn't read any before I wrote my own. You'll have to check it out.

Loved a lot of your descriptions.

Abhinav said...

Nice imagery!!! Especially the restraint employed is commendable... The metaphors of the hennaed hands and cheap confetti take the cake... You could have revised it and made it clearer, but then it would have lost the 'incompleteness' which makes it so special...

Becca said...

Stunning imagery, and it feeds right into your desolate story line.

I particularly liked the leaves as "cheap confetti" and her "weak carnation quivering on the seat."

And I did understand what happened :)

Well done!

Hoodie said...

You have a gift for description. Excellent work.

Thérèse said...

I love this.

I like that you trust your reader to come to the conclusion that someone was hit by a car. I very much enjoyed your descriptions ("the leaves were cheap confetti" is brilliant!), and I like the feel of the piece. You capture your character's gruff voice well.

Great job!

desiderata said...

hi sara:

It took me Three readings to get that "something (white)" ...
I enjoyed the guessing' what is it?

Sarah Hina said...

Thanks, all. I really appreciate everyone's kind words.

I don't know how I'm going to pick just five to vote for...

Missy said...

I like the stream of consciousness in this story. It's a one-sided encounter with this boy's mind - it should be a little confusing. It's a perfect fit for me.

raine said...

Got it immediately, loved it.
The henna seemed to fit with the leaves...

...dully absorbing that autumn is Nature’s last ejaculate, before the rigor mortis of winter, and spring’s rebirth.

Verra nice.

Anonymous said...

bravo

Ello said...

WOW! Simply WOW! Given what you have give us with 250 words, I would love to read more of your work. You are an amazing writer.

Dottie said...

Sarah, thanks for your generous feedback. I also very much enjoyed your submission both this contest and during "Halo." You're a great writer.

jason evans said...

You have a real storytelling soul. A sparkle that's easy to take for granted, but so hard to achieve. I wanted it to be longer, because I quickly grew accustomed to this slice of someone's world.