Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Entry #15

The Long Ride
by Lissa


Having lost his girlfriend, his job, and failing as a philosophy major, things were not going particularly well for Ben. After a fight with his father, Ben consumed a meal of fried chicken with a large soda which left a big stain on his white t-shirt. Then he went searching for some distractions. He came across a massive underground train station with the longest escalator that he had ever seen. He didn't know where it leads but he was smitten by the thought.

Ben was fourteen steps up the escalator when he got bored and decided to walk. But when he tried to move his leg, he couldn't. A piece of his frayed jeans got caught between the rotating steps. He tried desperately to pull free. People walked passed him with irritating looks. Ben stopped a few for help but they just walked ahead of him. He stood to the side to let them pass, showing a smile through his unshaved face.

Three teenage boys taunted Ben on the escalator going down. An elder man shouted to Ben that he's going to get help. Having still a long way to go, Ben tried to keep calm. Suddenly the escalator stopped moving. A large suitcase just a few feet above Ben, started to rattle and before Ben could move, it came crashing down knocking him unconscious.

When Ben woke up twenty years later, he didn't not know how long he had slept. All he remembered was having a dreadful week.

19 comments:

Lena said...

gosh, that 20 years thing totally cracked me up.. Came really unexpected :)

laughingwolf said...

lissa, that cracked me up, too... lol

peggy said...

talk about having a bad bad day. Your right, I wasn't expecting that ending either. fun story!

lissa said...

actually the "twenty years" was the original idea but I had to cut to make it shorter and I wanted the reader to wonder how and why it would happen

-Jason, when you get a chance to fix it, there's an odd break after "showing a smile through his" - the "unshaved face" shouldn't break, if you can fix it thanks, if not, it's no big deal, Thanks!

Geraldine said...

You've done a great job with the prompt Lissa, well done! I also left a comment over at your wonderful blog.


www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

I enjoyed this! Surprise ending too!

Ruinwen said...

Great story with an unexpected twist. :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Twenty years in a coma and getting up as if it was just yesterday - scary!

Nice one :)

Sarah Hina said...

When a bad day's good distraction has this kind of effect, it really is dreadful. Poor Ben...I hope his week picks up soon. :)

I, too, enjoyed your twist, Lissa! You really expanded the frame of that prompt.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Ha!
Amusing twist. Didn't see that coming.

sawan said...

felt a chill!! 20 years!!

JaneyV said...

Man that's an escalator ride and a half. Some days you just should stay in your pajamas.

Thanks for the smile!

one more believer said...

yes, lissa that was great!!... it is sad that no one would help him though...

pjd said...

That's one long-as dreadful week. I have to wonder, though... if he was unshaven on the escalator, did they leave him unshaven for 20 years?

Selma said...

You rule, Lissa!!!

Catvibe said...

Oh! Mercury in Retrograde for this poor guy. Fun writing! I really enjoyed it.

bluesugarpoet said...

After the week he had, being in a coma for 20 years might have been a blessing. Great story!

jana

September said...

poor kid - 20 years - that IS a long ride. LOL
Loved that ending.
Nice work.

jason evans said...

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!