Thursday, January 08, 2009

Entry #16

Up
by Emeraldcite

I know that I should look people in the eyes more often, but something scares me. Sometimes, people are honest there, behind those colored irises, but most people lie, most people have something to hide. I’m no different really, I hide things too. I bite off lies with a smile. I grit my teeth and tell people what they want to hear from me, but I just can’t make eye contact. I look at my feet, toeing the frayed ends of my jeans. But I can tell the boy in front of me doesn’t do that. His jeans are fresh and clean ending just above the grooves of the escalator step. He shifts his weight and puts a gentle hand on the scratched black rail. My frayed ends tell the story of who I am. I know that I should talk to him, let him know what I think. I know that I should look in his eyes just once and tell him the truth rather than follow him day after day, looking at his heels, watching his ascent.

20 comments:

Lena said...

somehow got the feeling it is not finished... wondering is she would ever talk to him.
Other than that, well put :)

Ruinwen said...

Beautifully written. :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Her condition is pitiable.Hope she gathers the nerve to tell him someday :)

Leatherdykeuk said...

Introspective. Interesting.

Sarah Hina said...

She is cloaked and hidden, and that's safe. But she'll always just be watching, and fearing, instead of really living.

Very powerful character study in such a short piece, Emeraldcite. I could relate.

Geraldine said...

I enjoyed reading this very much. What a unique take on the prompt. Well done!

www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com

laughingwolf said...

not what i expected... bravo! :D

peggy said...

You guys are right, so much more here, it's a fascinating piece, would make a longer story for sure. Great job!

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

Very poetic - solidly written piece.

Jaye Wells said...

Interesting that everyone thought this was a female character. I read it as a male. That's what so great about fiction, people can experience a story in their own way. Nice job on this.

Betty Gordon said...

I agree with some others that thisi could be a longer piece. My take on it is the character is male, but isn't it interesting that it can be either?

Betty Gordon
www.bettygordon.com

JR's Thumbprints said...

Very realistic thought process on the part of your character. You take a slice of time and we learn that your character will always be that way.

BernardL said...

Creepy stalker piece, with open interpretation whether good or bad. It could be an innocent infatuation or a young Hannibal Lector. I hope good. :)

JaneyV said...

I feel that this is just the beginning of a short story and I'd love to find out where it goes. I like your take on the picture very much and your writing style is very warm and inviting. Do let us know if she overcomes her fears and takes a chance on life.

Patsy said...

I like this a lot - it shows us so much about the character, yet still gives us room to add our own interpretation.

McKoala said...

I like the voice here and the choice of detail.

Catvibe said...

Well written version of a the mind and thinking of this character. I think she'll grow up and become a little braver in her revelations, but it might take her about 4 decades. :-)

September said...

beautiful. touching.
can sense his hesitation.
I see it as two guys - even the more reason for the second guy to not be able to step up and say what he feels.
I loved this. Beautiful indeed.

bluesugarpoet said...

Stalker, forbidden love, or a person restrained by timidity? Or all three simultaneously? I love the ambiguity that could offer up a number of valid interpretations. The "frayed ends" is a nice metaphor! Well done!

-jana

jason evans said...

Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, and voice. And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.