Flashpoint
by Aniket Thakkar
“Well, its Valentines Day today…and I assume you don’t have a date!” Elaina smirked.
“I smell sarcasm in you voice missy… But yes… I mean No, I don’t! And you?” I sort of ate up my last words.
“Thankfully, your nose is much sharper than your brain” she retorted with her characteristic giggle, and continued “and IF I had a date, who would give you company, you dork?”
“So what do you wanna do today?”
“Aww… You’re blushing!” she teased, “Let’s sit at Starbucks and decide”.
We got up on the escalator and I don’t know if it was the air on Valentines Day or if the cupids thought of me as an easy target… My mind took a walk in the memory lane, and it was full of all the fun Elaina and I had over the years, of all the times she had my back covered and also the times she intentionally didn’t. And while I was lost in thoughts, a kid rushed up dashing into me and I fell over her.
“I love you… I… I’m sorry” was what came out of my mouth.
“You LOVE me… and you’re sorry about it?” She accused me.
“Yes… I mean no… not that way” I stammered, wishing I could dissolve into thin air.
“See I can get on your nerves so easily” she smirked, “and I want to keep doing that for the rest of my life!” she whispered as her hunting lips found their prey.
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Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
Listening for the words in a quiet corner of the night. The fiction, poetry, and photography of Jason Evans.
About Me
- Aine
- Collaborator and night owl.
Past Contests
- "Elemental" Short Fiction Contest
- "Uncovered" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silhouette" Short Fiction Contest
- "In Vino Veritas" Short Fiction Contest
- "Ascension" Short Fiction Contest
- "Running Wind" Short Fiction Contest
- "Whispers" Short Fiction Contest
- "Restless Dawn" Short Fiction Contest
- "Halo" Short Fiction Contest
- "Endless Hour" Short Fiction Contest
- "Silent Grey" Short Fiction Contest
- "Lonely Moon" Short Fiction Contest (with Anne Frasier)
- "Midnight Road" Short Fiction Contest
- "Two Lights" Short Fiction Contest
The Official Compilation!
Get the winners of the first 12 Clarity of Night contests in one place! Extras too!!
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Visitors
~clausum~
56 comments:
that was one cute sweet story. Loved the flow.
And most important.. it made me smile. Well done :)
I loved watching their friendship "ascend" to the next level...pardon the pun. :)
That was sweet :)
Love is more beautiful when simple,and you have depicted just that!
Sweet tale :)
Sometimes you just have to let yourself fall, and hard. :) And then reveal that plunge, too.
Love those hunting lips. She's definitely in control here. And he's happy to be prey. Nice writing, Aniket!
thats sweet man!
sweetly done, aniket :)
lovely story! :)
Oh that was adorable, in love all the time :) Excellent work with a fun twist.!! I liked it.
Loved the pacing and great dialogue.
@ Lena: Am glad that made you smile... Your comment did likewise to me! :-D
@Ruinwen: Gosh.. I shud have used this line "and so their friendship ascended to next level.... " whould have earned me more brownie points!
@ Sameera: So true... I wish my love life was this simple! :)
@Sarah: Thanks for guiding me here... Its a good learning experience for me. You obviously are one of the masters of this art.
@ peggy: Can't express how much these words of appreciation mean! thanks a lot!
@ Leatherdykeuk, Harshad, Laughing Wolf, Sawan, K.Lawson: Thanks a gazillion for liking it!
@ ALL: Looking forward to reading your stories/blogs... This contest has already given me more flavours that I had ever tasted! :-D
oops almost forgot:
@Jason: Thanks for coming up with this contest! Hats off to you!
“So what do you wanna do today?” Accurate dialogue and good character interaction.
I think all lovers should be friends first. I'm glad for them that finally saw each other. Who knew that an escalator and the promise of Starbucks could be so romantic.
Couldn't agree with you more Janey. Am really glad you liked it.
sweet story...nicely written :)
What a sweet, lovely story! And the dialogue is wonderful.
Hmmm... those hunting lips... :-)
@ Senorita: Thanks... Keep inspiring! :-D
@ Vesper: Thanks a bunch! You convict deserved hunting lips too... :-D I can sooo imagine myself in his shoes!!! lolzz
@ Vesper: Please pardon me for making YOU the convict by typo error... :-D I honestly meant YOUR convict in the comment above! :-D :-D
PS: In my defense its 1 am out here and am too sleepy! :P
Nice one mate. Gave me a warm glow somehow.
Only 1 a.m.? Just warming up with the vodka then ;-)
Sounds like they have a long lasting relationship... whether he likes it or not!
Yay--happy ending. Very sweet. Captured the nervousness well!
Thanks Jennifer... I think I sent the entry a tad bit too early... before all the killings and the monsters pitched in! :-D They all were very enjoyable though... I myself am thinking of trying a Gangsta story next... just for the fun of it! :-D :-D
@ The Preacherman:
Glad you liked it... And I wish I could afford to have vodka on weekdays... I hate waking up in the mornings.... especially for work! But then... who doesn't! :-D
@ David:
Yes they have a pretty long lasting relationship of about 11 years and he loves every bit of it! :-D
everything was placed perfectly..
one of the best here.
Great dialogue, and a very nice upbeat tale.
@ Kunal: I am truly elated by your comment... even if someone remembers this after reading all the 125 its good enough an achievement for me... Do read "lost in Life..." on my blog... I have a feeling you'll like it!:-D
@ Bernard: Didn't have the heart to give it a sad ending... was too happy with this contest! lolz! Glad you liked it!
That was the best accident one could have...nice one
Sweet. Nice pace. The piece leaves you with a smile at the end :).
@ Ceedy: Thanks a lot! Yup... Its Serendipity... One of my favorite words and movies! :-D
@ Prashant: Am glad its making people smile! That's all the reward I'll ever need! (I know... a cheeky remark but true none-the-less :D )
It's definitely a "make you smile" story. I like the voice you've used and the natural flow.
@ pjd: Glad you like it... and I am gladder that I found the "unlucky 26" on your blog... what a concept!!!!! The very idea blew me away! Am yet to read the posts though! Will surely do so once am finished reading the fabulous 125 here :-D!
Ahh, to have the accidental "I love you" slip... The story ends so sweetly, too! I love it when that happens. :) Great story! - jana
My favorite part of this story is the sassy dialogue that you begin with. It is just so true-to- life. I KNOW these people. I could really feel the young man's pain as Elaina teases him for the last time. I enjoyed your dialogue in the final paragraph where the world is made right for this couple.
@Jana: Glad you liked it... Enjoy the downtime! :-D
@ Terry: Loved your 'About Me' : "My body is aging, but my mind is still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up." I wish am still like that at 40 too... :-D And your profile also says you like "witty dialogues and happy ending" wait-a -sec ... me too!! :-D Elaina is based on my best friend I know from kindergarten days... she always so bossy and full of sarcasm! Hope we find the answer to "life, the universe and everything one day"! :)
Aniket, thank you very much for the lovely note! This is the first time I have participated here, and it has been a wonderful experience. People here are so open and friendly, and the talent is absolutely astounding! I used to think my writing is okay, but now I know I'm just putting words on paper. SO, you know Hitchhiker's Guide?! How wonderful! Best wishes to you.
@ Terry: Oh there are a lot of first timers around here... including me! And we get to learn from the giants first hand! And I am a geek both by choice and profession... freshly out of college... so still finding out what I exactly wanna do with life... my job pays good but writing gives wayy more satisfaction! Hitchiker is an all time fav. ... I faught with management to get Room No. 42 in the hostel! :-D :-D
Great dialogue, a lot of fun and a good read.
@ Catvibe:
Thanks a lot... glad you liked it! :)
Aniket, you put up an argument to stay in room 42?! Awesome! I salute you!
This was a beautiful story.
Loved the flow of thoughts. The stammering. The wishing and the kid.
:D
Felt mushy.
:D
@ Terry: Am sure you would've done the same. :-D
@ Riversoul: Am glad you liked it...
The stammering cost me a lot of words... But i believed that the character wouldn't have come true without it! Glad it paid off! :-D
Ahhh, that was a beautiful story Aniket, and with such a sweet happy end.
It's so hard to say "I love you" to someone you've known since kindergarden. You just become such good buddies that you'd be afraid of spoiling the friendship.
Love the easy dialogue...
Yeah, I liked that...
I'm attempting to write something in a sort of romantic vein for the first time myself, but in a longer form. I like the way this played out, like it was obvious from the start the two characters were made for each other, but all that was needed to move things on were those three big little words.
@ Margret: Tell me about it! :-D And am so happy that you like the piece! :)
@ iLL Man:I'll watch out for your story! :) Do read "Lost in LIfe..." on my blog when you get time... Its a much longer love story! It was the first story that I had written!
Angelic? You are very sweet, but I think you are confusing me with someone like Aerin, Jana or Cat...(But, I'm secretly smiling.) I'm looking forward to returning to your blog when things slow down a bit.
@ Terry: Ohh... Modesty is so hard to find... especially in humans! But I didn't confuse! The female brigade has been all so polite and generous around here.... Aerin, Jana, Cat, Janey, Sameera, Senorita, Anks, Aine, Margaret, Sarah and of course Yamine, etc all have been so kind! Us males have been more witty though Pete, laughingwolf, preacherman, kunal, taking the lead and JR, K.Lawson, sawan, david etc being perfect gentlemen! (I am sorry for all I missed... but you get the point right... I meant everyone :) )
With everyone being so nice to each other.... It seems I am inside a fairy tale or something, that too minus the cruel witch! :-D
so sweet. loved it.
very cute writing
Female brigade....Now, THAT'S funny!
I know what you mean about being in a fairy tale. It really does feel so surreal.
All these wonderful comments from people I've never met.
I don't want it to ever end....
@ Margaret: But it just did end... Am so sad now! :(
Don't be sad :) But I know what you mean :(
Lets look forward to the next one :)
Yup... and meanwhile there's Aerin's contest... and a long list of blogs to go through! But evenings would never be the same...
I'm used to staring at Aine's legs on the picture now... and making up stories in my head! :-D
Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!
The pleasure was all mine Jason!!! :-D
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