Sunday, January 11, 2009

Entry #48

Stand Right
by Ewen Nicolson


Susannah.

On my mind again Susannah.....

The roof came in on us a long time ago Suz, but you still hook up in my head when I need you least. It's not a bad thing, but you're obscuring my view honey......

Eyes down on the escalator again. Glass and steel and feet. The unholy trinity.

The sound of children pulls me back to reality, and a shiver runs down my spine. They're heading down the way into the Metro. I relax and I return my gaze to the figure in front of me.

A tall gent with fair hair, a grey raincoat and a battered briefcase fidgets in front of me. Behind is an elderly woman carrying what looks like a months shopping in thin blue polythene bags, stretched to translucency and defying gravity. Neither of them look like they'll make it home intact.

Subconsciously I move my hand to my left pocket and back again. Safe. Hidden.

Just when it seems like the horizon will never arrive, I suddenly catch sight of the shiny station floor through a forest of legs, and with my last ounce of will I switch my mind off and wait.

I see the shoes. It's all I need. Grey espadrilles, white socks.......

Pop! Pop! I’m never wrong, I never miss

I'm at the station exit before anyone knows what happened, hailing a taxi and blending into the night.

Susannah.

You’re on my mind again, Susannah.

That one was for you honey, wherever you are......

23 comments:

harshad said...

nice description...and loved the humor abt the polytehne bags and the old lady :-)

JaneyV said...

I love the peek into the mind of an assassin. It was a nice touch to have him worry about the children. Killer with a conscience? So what had Mr Grey Espadrilles done to Susannah?

I enjoyed this piece very much, Ewen. Well done.

Lena said...

would love to know more why he is doing it.. but its tough to put everything in 250 words :)
Well done :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Wonderful imagery!Was it revenge or was he paid for it?Could be the beginning of a novel :)

Well done!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Yeah, there's got to be a reason for "offing" someone, or at least a theory or two. Not easy with 250 words.

iLL Man said...

Harshad - Cheers! It's hard to lighten up grim subject matter, but I'm glad I made someone chuckle.

JaneyV - Thanks. I like to think Mr Grey Espadrilles crime was of the fashion variety, but beyond that........... ;)

Lena/JR - Money. He's an assasin/ hitman.

Sameera - You've correctly pointed out the 'failure' in my entry. It feels inconclusive, like there should be a continuation of the narrative. What can I say? I like to baffle and confuse.... ;)

laughingwolf said...

nice touch, ewen :)

SzélsőFa said...

I was hoping to see your entry, Ewen, and your visuals satisfied me quite a bit.
I admit I had to read the piece at least twice to get it fully behind my skull, but I did love those visuals...
*the unholy trinity* especially captured me.

Sarah Hina said...

Sharp writing, Ewen. You worked in a lot of nice details, as his observations heightened with his anticipation. And I liked how his thoughts grooved back to himself, and his own loss, afterwards. He's a cool customer.

Very engaging story. Enjoyed it quite a bit.

September said...

wow...I kept wondering what he was going to do but didn't realize mr. jeans would be the casualty. Yes, I too wonder what he did to sweet Susannah.
Good job.

iLL Man said...

Laughingwolf - Thankyou!

Szelsofa - Are you sitting this one out? Glad to know you dug the story. ;)

Sarah - Cheers! I wanted that 'just a guy doing a job' feel, despite the grisly and immoral nature of his work.

September - Thanks. Glad I kept you hooked.


Ewen.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

I really like the style here...it brought an aloofness to the character. Good writing.

SzélsőFa said...

Yes, Ewen, I'm not taking part this time.
I think that I confused some words in my previous comment. Of course it was not the unholy trinity that captured me, , but the way expression captured the world of 'glass, steel and feet' was that I liked the most. Sorry for the confusion.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Fabulous. There are never enough random killer stories :)

iLL Man said...

KLG - Thanks. It's all about the character trying to remain detached and emotionless, and only just succeeding.

Szelsofa - Ah! I understand now...
Sad to see you aren't taking part, I always enjoy your take on the subject matter.

Leatherdykeuk - I think so too, though there are always plenty of spooky/grisly tales that crop up in this competition. Cheers!

Ewen.

Rebecca Livesey said...

liked this, & liked the fact it leaves you wondering. Tightly told, with good imagery.

to be fair those shoes deserved it ;-)

littlesaintnick1995 said...

Excellent imagery.

iLL Man said...

Rebecca/littlesiantnick- Thanks folks!

Espadrilles with white socks too.....Yech!

Jennifer said...

I love the casual way he is thinking about "Suz" and how it sets off the shocking thing he is about to do. Nicely done!

Catvibe said...

Good work. Kind of freaky, eh?

Aniket Thakkar said...

Well, even assassins have the right to love don't they! :-D Nice one there! Loved the line: "Neither of them look like they'll make it home intact." lol

iLL Man said...

Jennifer - Thanks. It's what happened to Susannah that intrigues me... ;)

Catvibe - Cheers! Freaky is good.

Aniket - Absolutely! There was once a human being there.......

The original intention of that line was to refer to the people standing in front of, and behind the protagonist. On reflection, it more obviously pertains to the carrier bags...........

jason evans said...

Great job with pacing, storytelling, and voice!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest!