Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Entry #9

Underlater
by Rachel Green


Susan’s world was made of slow-moving stripes of jagged light.

And Feet. Lots and lots of feet.

Noise filtered through with the light for most of the day. People in pairs talking; people on their own talking (this puzzled her for years until she came across a mobile phone) and the cries of children and babies. The stripes and the noise stopped in the evening, leaving immobile bars of light for her to read or crochet in. She slept when it went dark, nestled in her bed of sweet wrappers and old, dry tissues.

Every day Susan squinted through the moving cracks waiting for the right moment; a combination of silence, hesitation and the scent of fear. It rarely came. She had been here years and it had only happened twice – enough to keep both the legend alive and her belly full. Though most mortals scoffed at the idea of her existence, there were enough believers to keep her safe.

Ah! There was one now. The trepidation of a pair of tiny red sandals a step behind smart black courts. Susan watched them from the bottom of her lair to the top before she struck, pulling the kicking, screaming child through the gap between the escalator and the floor in a fountain of blood that would sate her for years.

Urban legends were generally based on a grain of truth.

28 comments:

Geraldine said...

Wow! A breathless read to the finish. Well done.

www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com

Lena said...

ohoo.. quite unique and unexpected.

peggy said...

A scarey unexpected piece, cool!

wrath999 said...

Wow, great imagination. Excellent.

Aggie said...

Enjoyed this - clever.

Sarah Hina said...

I love your unique, imaginative interpretation here. Very creepy and merciless. I'll never hesitate before stepping on the escalator again. ;)

Something about her crocheting down there and eating "sweets" makes it that much more diabolical. Excellent detail.

strugglingwriter said...

I like this a lot. Especially those first two lines. Totally draw me in.

Paul

peter said...

And I thought I only had to check under the bed ... Liked this.

JaneyV said...

The whole time I thought it was a homeless person living under the escalator. The ending was both unexpected and breathtaking. As has been said before "WOW!"

laughingwolf said...

rachel, that's a grabber for sure... love it! :)

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

oh, wow! That reached out and grabbed me....;) Strong images and very well written piece.

Ruinwen said...

I'm taking the stairs from now on! What a great piece...you had me from the first line. :)

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

OMG!My story could be a sequel to yours :)

Awesome take!

sawan said...

wow Rachel .. its so scary !!!

Aerin said...

Nicely done

Catvibe said...

Nice Rachel, very imaginative and delightfully creepy.

one more believer said...

excellent..boogeyman...err...boogeylady monster...

JR's Thumbprints said...

What lies beneath the stairs ... scratch that ... what lies beneath the escalator. Hey, everybody's got to live somewhere. And eat too!

Patsy said...

Eeeek, she seemed kind of nice to start with, although I did wonder what she lived on ...

Chris Eldin said...

I was totally hooked!! The tension in this one is especially well drawn.
Awesome!
:-)

Selma said...

Well, I just love this. It is so original, so creative. I am such a fan of urban legends. I hope you win!!!

McKoala said...

Another goodie. Loved the mundane name and habits of the underworld monster, great contrasts.

pjd said...

Ha, ha, ha, ha. I find this pretty funny, mostly because the contrast between the voice and the action. Reading and crocheting? This is really twisted. Well done.

Aniket Thakkar said...

A very spooky tale... One should never doubt an urban legend! :-D
Great job Rachel!

Aniket Thakkar said...

I have written a scary movie of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time! http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/01/fyeo-ascension-revisited.html

You are a character in it as well! :-D

September said...

Yikes! And I always hesitate. We have no escalators in town and only one in the nearby city's mall - which I rarely go to.
Great story. This one was really good.

bluesugarpoet said...

Scary!!! I loved it (and I'm never letting my little ones step on an escalator again).

jana

jason evans said...

Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!

Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.