Underlater
by Rachel Green
Susan’s world was made of slow-moving stripes of jagged light.
And Feet. Lots and lots of feet.
Noise filtered through with the light for most of the day. People in pairs talking; people on their own talking (this puzzled her for years until she came across a mobile phone) and the cries of children and babies. The stripes and the noise stopped in the evening, leaving immobile bars of light for her to read or crochet in. She slept when it went dark, nestled in her bed of sweet wrappers and old, dry tissues.
Every day Susan squinted through the moving cracks waiting for the right moment; a combination of silence, hesitation and the scent of fear. It rarely came. She had been here years and it had only happened twice – enough to keep both the legend alive and her belly full. Though most mortals scoffed at the idea of her existence, there were enough believers to keep her safe.
Ah! There was one now. The trepidation of a pair of tiny red sandals a step behind smart black courts. Susan watched them from the bottom of her lair to the top before she struck, pulling the kicking, screaming child through the gap between the escalator and the floor in a fountain of blood that would sate her for years.
Urban legends were generally based on a grain of truth.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
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28 comments:
Wow! A breathless read to the finish. Well done.
www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com
ohoo.. quite unique and unexpected.
A scarey unexpected piece, cool!
Wow, great imagination. Excellent.
Enjoyed this - clever.
I love your unique, imaginative interpretation here. Very creepy and merciless. I'll never hesitate before stepping on the escalator again. ;)
Something about her crocheting down there and eating "sweets" makes it that much more diabolical. Excellent detail.
I like this a lot. Especially those first two lines. Totally draw me in.
Paul
And I thought I only had to check under the bed ... Liked this.
The whole time I thought it was a homeless person living under the escalator. The ending was both unexpected and breathtaking. As has been said before "WOW!"
rachel, that's a grabber for sure... love it! :)
oh, wow! That reached out and grabbed me....;) Strong images and very well written piece.
I'm taking the stairs from now on! What a great piece...you had me from the first line. :)
OMG!My story could be a sequel to yours :)
Awesome take!
wow Rachel .. its so scary !!!
Nicely done
Nice Rachel, very imaginative and delightfully creepy.
excellent..boogeyman...err...boogeylady monster...
What lies beneath the stairs ... scratch that ... what lies beneath the escalator. Hey, everybody's got to live somewhere. And eat too!
Eeeek, she seemed kind of nice to start with, although I did wonder what she lived on ...
I was totally hooked!! The tension in this one is especially well drawn.
Awesome!
:-)
Well, I just love this. It is so original, so creative. I am such a fan of urban legends. I hope you win!!!
Another goodie. Loved the mundane name and habits of the underworld monster, great contrasts.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. I find this pretty funny, mostly because the contrast between the voice and the action. Reading and crocheting? This is really twisted. Well done.
A very spooky tale... One should never doubt an urban legend! :-D
Great job Rachel!
I have written a scary movie of sorts on Ascension.... do read it when you get time! http://foolishnessofthings.blogspot.com/2009/01/fyeo-ascension-revisited.html
You are a character in it as well! :-D
Yikes! And I always hesitate. We have no escalators in town and only one in the nearby city's mall - which I rarely go to.
Great story. This one was really good.
Scary!!! I loved it (and I'm never letting my little ones step on an escalator again).
jana
Great job on pacing, entertainment value, technical skill, storytelling, and voice! And welcome to the Forties Club!!
Thanks for being a wonderful part of the contest.
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