Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Entry #149

The Price
by Illyria Taylor


The door to the ancient structure, a mansion from ages gone by, was ajar. “When is a door not a door? When it’s a jar!” she thought to herself, (she was famous for making jokes when nervous). Another blind date, how she hated them. Her friend promising, “this is the One”. Hesitantly, she stepped through the door (jar). “Hello” she whispered to the cobwebs and long dead residents, trying to muster up courage for what was to come. She checked herself in her mental mirror she was both intelligent and beautiful. “I’m not a helpless child, I’m a goddess” and with that, her next “Hello” came out like a war cry, and she received a quiet “Good Evening” in reply.

She was on her knees in an instant, “God forgive me” escaping her lips. “What have you done?” purred the man, a symphony in black and white. “Not what I’ve done, what I will do” she smiled. “And if He doesn’t…forgive you, that is?” as he breathed into her ear, the wineglass in his hand, her reply was simply “No matter.” For she already knew that she would do anything, everything, he asked, even if he was Lucifer himself. “Wine?” he asked as he put the goblet to her lips. “I never drink wine,” she said as she drank the heavy coppery garnet liquid. ”So this is the Price,” she thought, his fangs sinking into her neck. “The Price for everything is just a soul. Not much of anything, really.”

13 comments:

laughingwolf said...

should've stuck with the door... and ignored the jar ;) lol

Laurel said...

I like the internal dialogue.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Everyone has their price. In this instant, it's much costlier than most.

Deb S said...

Yep, blind dates suck.

quin browne said...

good pace...

Catvibe said...

I especially enjoyed the visuals of the second paragraph. The sinister man (vampire) was really well captured.

pjd said...

Oh, Deb S... hiss, hiss! Good one. :-)

Went a little fast for me... especially the falling to the knees and the total submission to the vampire. I get that he's got a magical/mystical control over women in his presence, but a little too fast. I do like her inner dialog about forgiveness, and the "no matter" bit.

September said...

This flowed smoothly for me, even though it made me shiver a little. I don't care for Lucifer much.
Good imagery.

BernardL said...

It's amazing how many people think being a blood sucking vampire preferable to retaining one's soul.

Aniket said...

I agree with Pete. Would have loved a para in between to ease the transition. I too loved her character and her inner dialogues.

She should have gone out with Chandler, for he too makes jokes when he is nervous. Coming to think of it, I do too. :)

JaneyV said...

It's such a pity that you were constrained by the word limit as I think that this would blossom into a great story if you could give it more depth. You did very well.

Chris Eldin said...

LOL @ Deb's comment!
I liked this, but agree this would be much nicer as a longer piece! Still a very enjoyable read.

jason evans said...

Easy to give away. Very hard to get back. On her knees indeed.

High marks for pacing.