Saturday, July 11, 2009

Entry #54

Exit Strategy
by Angelique H. Caffrey

“It’s hard to be beautiful,” whined Sheri, wrapping her manicured fingers around her fourth gin and tonic.

“I mean, it’s really hard.” Her amber eyes were glazing. “But you wouldn’t know. You’re a Plain Jane. If your skin breaks out, who cares? Nobody. That’s so nice.”

I sighed. How the hell did I get stuck in a bar listening to Sheri? Why did I take pity on the colleague whose voice was so loud that noise cancellation headphones couldn’t shield me from her croaking?

“Everywhere I go, people look at me,” continued the 40-something whose state of arrested development could practically be smelled. “I have to worry about every hair, every shoe, every toenail!” She lurched forward, grabbed my hand and spat, “It takes me two hours to get ready in the morning! Two!”

I nodded, trying to figure out an exit strategy that wouldn’t get me fired. Everyone knew she was bonking the CEO.

Without warning, she screamed, “I gotta pee!” Sheri and her sparkly pink clutch left.

Our waiter came over. “Can I get you anything?”

I looked into my glass of merlot. “Nah.”


Moments later, Sheri scurried back to the table, rat-like.

“Oh God!” she moaned. “Do you have a tampon?!? I’m bleeding all over the place!”

I fished in my purse and found one. I pulled it from its crisp paper wrapper. Then I carefully dropped the tampon in my wine. It blossomed like a purple flower.

“Go. Fish.”

The night air was exquisite.


Laurel said...

Crikey. That is AWESOME!!!

Go, unnamed protagonist ugly chick.


PS: wvs is femons. I can't make that stuff up.

Ello said...


So freaking awesome! Great ending!

Aerin said...

Fantastic, A. LOVE love love. You are awesome.

laughingwolf said...

purrrrrrrrrrfect! ;)

Merry Monteleone said...

That was great!!!!! Laughed out loud it was so awesome.

JR's Thumbprints said...

A very appropriate ending for an overbearing friend. I liked the setting, pacing, and characterization.

Precie said...

LMAO!!! That's fantastic!

Chris Eldin said...

Love this one! I wish real life were more like that...

Catvibe said...

Great! I'm laughing right out loud. This one goes in my reader's fav list.

Aniket said...

From all what I've read till now. I think this is bagging a prize in at least one of the slots.

Abso-flippin-lutely fantastic.

I was hooting for the unnamed star by the end.

Even the little “Nah.” - “Gotcha.”

Say so much about her personality.

Superb piece.

Two Thumbs up.

Karen said...

Love it! Go Fish!! LOL

The Preacherman said...

Fuck me!!! (well not literally at my age as I would probably keel over and die) if this doesn't win whatever it is that the winner wins then I give up.

This is genius.

Please recognise it somebody?

Love Four Dinners x

(you little star you!!)

Sarah Laurenson said...


Go fish


OMG. Freakin' great.

The Quoibler said...

Wow -- thanks, everybody! This is such a pick-me up for me.

What sweet responses... I was worried I'd gross everybody out. But if you've ever seen a "bloomin' tampon" (as opposed to a bloomin' onion), it can be quite lovely in a can't-look-away-from-a-train-wreck sort of way. Kind of like the protagonist, huh?



(Word verification: quallamb. Please, someone, use that in a sentence!)

Chumplet - Sandra Cormier said...

Revenge is best served with a bloomin' tampon. That was freakin' hilarious!

Therese said...

Hee hee hee hee hee. Great, great punchline.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I take that back, she's not an overbearing friend; She's an obligation because she's sleeping with the boss. This story has more depth to it and is worth reading more than once.

Hoodie said...

I can always count on you, Angelique.

Delightful, as always. I really loved this one.

BernardL said...

Great take on the 'Take this job and shove it' line. :)

pjd said...

"Truth" in wine, indeed. Not much I can add to the other comments. This is truly poetic and satisfying.

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Brilliant, just bloody brilliant!

desiderata said...

Dear angel, ah, HIlarious!
If she were not careful, Protagonist could have been served rice coked wit' tampon used by an (INDON) maid "periodically" in my home country if she was the master of the house, bullying...YL

JaneyV said...

Swwweeeeeet! I love the blossoming tampon. Great stuff Angelique. Brilliant actually.

Terri said...

LOVE this!!! M'dear, isn't this the kind of thing we all wish we had the guts to do?!
Perfect :-)

Jade L Blackwater said...

Yikes! Well developed - the characters are crystal-clear.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Ha! Delightful.

JR's Thumbprints said...

You're on my readers choice list.

jason evans said...

Oh yes! Very poetic. She showed her!! Nice delivery.

Welcome to The Forties Club!!

Jaye Wells said...

I almost feel bad for the bitchy one now Maybe she just needed a Midol. Anyway, really fun story. Thanks for the laugh.