Sunday, July 12, 2009

Entry #84

Wine Sublime, Truth Divine
by YL Chong


CONFESSION1:

Naomi: Father, it's not good. The last time I did it with you, I felt guilty. Now I feel bad coming back ...

Pastor Parissh: Now, now, my child. That's perfectly normal. Eve after succumbing to temptation, she first felt shame. Adam too, but soon they began to enjoy the excitement of discovery. After all, we are all human...

Naomi: But I wronged my boyfriend...

Parissh: Let me fill you in. Garrett sleeps around too. He does it with the boys too...it gives him a different high.

Naomi: Father, you mean Garrett's has been confessing too?

Parissh: Oh yes!

Naomi: Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker.

Parissh: You don't join him at the pub?

Naomi: No, I hate the taste of beer! But I enjoy our Communion wine. And last week, it was so ecstatic!

Parissh: Oh yes, we finished one whole bottle.

Naomi: The "blesssed" liquid, you said. Christ's sacrifice. Our bonding--'twas so divine!


CONFESSION2:

Garrett: Father, I feel so ashamed. I think I'm paying a price for my wandering ways.

Parissh: I worry for you, my son. It's been twelve months ...

Garrett: Father, My playing around...it has finally caught up with me...

(A pause)

I went for my annual medical last week--you know, Company's policy--and the results just came back...

(Another pause)

I have contracted AIDS. And I've been having such great sex with Naomi! Poor Naomi, she...

32 comments:

Ello said...

Excellent! I love when the ending satisfies me!

Laurel said...

This was interesting to read and I like the poetic justice. Only teensy minor quibble is how often AIDS shows up in fiction as some sort of judgment. I'd love it if someone ended up with tertiary syphyllis due to his wandering ways once in a while.

That is nothing more than a personal hang-up, though, and otherwise I really liked it!

Sorry-hope I didn't cross the line there.

desiderata said...

Ello: Great to know you liked it! Yes, it took 3-4 drafts before I could wean it down with that ending:) Cheers, YL

desiderata said...

Laurel:

Thanks for taking time to elaborate; it's interesting that in fact I did think about STD, paused, and opted for AIDS because with advances in medicine, syphyllis or gonorhoea (I even don't know if this spellig is right, but I'd leave as it is:)is easily treatable, hence the "penalty" won't be "poetic" enough eh! Thanks for useful feedback, YL

JR's Thumbprints said...

I like the structure of your story and how it hinges around the priest. I'm not sure this line worked for me - Naomi: Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker. The reaction doesn't seem natural. Other than that, I DO LIKE the ending!

wrath999 said...

Wow, very good stuff

alex

Catvibe said...

D'oh! Great ending, and I enjoyed the dialogue.

laughingwolf said...

good to see the 'father' get his due!

desiderata said...

Thanks JR'sT, for good point wrt "Oh, I see! No wonder he says he's not free on Friday nights...playing poker..." I read it aloud; I wanted to include this point, but it seems superfluous and does seem NOT in the right place! Glad the ending hits:) YL

desiderata said...

Dear ALL comers who have shared with comments -- I read all feedback in awe... Taking part in all CoN writes really rewards in the interactivity with fellow Writers.

I am still prowling around to read your stories; will get to leave my footprints soon. -- YL, Desi

desiderata said...

Dear wrath999:
Thanks for encouragement:)

Catvibe: it's good to hear the ending works -- that's the testing part in SS writing. I'm glad you like it too.

laughingwolf: sometimes we know that even the men in that white cloth are also "pretty" human, from both masculine and feminine aye/eye-points eh! ~~ YL

Aniket said...

I loved the fact that you experimented with the structure here. Its a double edged sword, but seems to work wonders here.

Good job.

I loved the end and also totally agree with the point JR covered. Constructive criticism is the best thing one can get from a reader. Especially from ones so immensely talented as the one's around here.

Adisha said...

So thoroughly satisfyin to read something so perfect... As Aniket says, the structure was amazing ... different yet it works for this piece !!

Therese said...

I liked the format here. All dialogue, but there's still atmosphere.

Chris Eldin said...

I like how you structured this--relying on dialogue to tell a story, including building an atmosphere, is very challenging. But you pulled it off!!

desiderata said...

Dear all, and starting wit JR'sT and rolling with Aniket,Adisha,Therese and Chris E, Thanks for similar compliments on the Structure. Actually I had the story idea sometime back, but the 250-word limit imposed on me just telling it via dialogue. I was a little apprehensive at first -- your positive assessment means I did right by my instinct. Cheers, I am enjoying slowly but steadily all your stories too, and I amhumbled by the company:) -- YL, Desi

Hoodie said...

What a tangled web we weave-

Scumbag.(The character, of course!) Way to make it come full circle.

Karen said...

I'm glad to see him get his due -- so I think the ending suits perfectly.

I still find dialogue extremely difficult to write.

desiderata said...

hoodie:

Thanks for transiting hear:)
Hope we don't meet too many of such scumbags in our transient stay on Mother GOoD Earth eh!:), YL

desiderata said...

karen:

Hey, I enjoy your poetic and prose-poetry lots, will leave more footprints in future steals of your secrets.

I too had/have problems with dialogue as recently as last year; improved a byte or two via Jason's CoN test drives:) Che3ers, YL

Absolute Vanilla (and Atyllah) said...

Loved the style and story structure - intriguing, and full of justice.

Mona said...

O Dear!

This should have been titled " When Confession became Revelation".

This is how it spreads...

pjd said...

My favorite bit is how casual the pastor is with his discussion of their illicit and sinful activities. As in, "Oh, yeah, that par five on the back nine is tough. I usually try to hit left, over the trees, but it always catches me up. Ha, ha, ha!" Just another casual topic of conversation, lacking significance.

desiderata said...

AV;


Am glad you enjoyed it. I compliment you too for a great peice.

Mona: YES, confession, revelation, STD -- they spread in strange ways, also wear differing clothes too,or three:):):)

And pjd: appreciate all my fellow writers' sharing -- this 'hole-in-1' anecdote is LOST on a non-golfie like Desi:( but I know your meaning...Che3ers, YL

Ranee Kaur Banerjee said...

Excellent! I loved it.

As the Mind Meanders said...

Mind blowing end... loved it

Angela said...

From beginning to end just a fabulous read and a with great twist to boot, AWESOME! Loved it!

desiderata said...

Ranee: Thanks,glad you loved it.

MindMeanders: ...I like blowin' in the wind too, esp by Port Dickson sesside:) Come visit Malaysia and we can meander around...:)

Angela: I got blown o'er by thy twister too; but your Protagonist should not bully any Indonesian maid when visiting NegaraKu!:(
Che3ers to all:):):), YL

JaneyV said...

Just to add to the comments that I liked the format you used and I'm a big fan of Karma getting the last laugh.

I feel sorry for Naomi though. It seems like she's paying a big price for being a bit thick.

desiderata said...

janeyV: Thanks for appreciation. You know "Karma" eh -- must be among the Wise ones:)

As for Naomi (plusothers caught in matters of the heART), sometimes the Vision is blurred -- as in LoveIsBlind? YL, Desi

jason evans said...

How's that for poetic justice. I'm just sorry the couple has to suffer to. Clever dialogue.

Welcome to The Forties Club!

desiderata said...

Thanks Jason for all your hard work, inspiring much of writers' heart labour fromacross the
se7en Cs. Me inducted into 40s club? You maketh YL 20years younger! Must be a miss'd take somewhere --too much wine? I was born in 1947,knot 74!:) Have a tehtarik on Desi!:)

PS: Tehtarik to all the 157 Other fellow particpants, and Jaye too, should you pass Koala Lumpur way! BTW, It's NORTH of Singapore:)