Beyond The Nest
by Timothy P. Remp
Mother bird took flight. She left to find food for her hatchlings.
The hatchlings merry chirps filled the spring morning with song.
“What beautiful voices. Come sing to me.” Two hatchlings ignored the voice, but the third was intrigued.
“Why should I?”
“Come fly down and see,” said the voice.
“I can’t fly.”
“Why not?”
“Mother said so.”
“You sound young and strong. Mother may be wrong.”
Mother bird swooped into the nest carrying a large worm. The voice curiously disappeared.
“Mother, why can’t I fly? I am young and strong,” stated the hatchling.
“Because you’re too young and not strong enough, there are many dangers beyond the nest.”
The hatchling pecked his portion, pondering possibilities. He felt strong. Could Mother be wrong? That night, the hatchling dreamt of flying into the endless sky.
After sunrise, the hatchlings resumed their birdsong.
“So beautiful. Come sing to me,” said the voice.
“I might fall,” answered the hatchling.
“Don’t worry. I’ll catch you,” purred the voice.
The hatchling looked around for Mother, but she was nowhere to be seen. He climbed to the nest edge and stretched his wings. Beyond the nest was a vast landscape far, far below. Something black flicked its tail.
The hatchling leapt into the air and held himself aloft for a moment before plummeting.
“Help!” cried the hatchling.
“Finally,” roared the cat and snagged his breakfast.
Monday, January 11, 2010
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28 comments:
Ah, what dangers lurk beyond the nest! A very clever story.
Cool story. An enjoyable read.
Nice Aesopian style.
Mother knows best.
I loved this... I may use it on my kids :-)
Fun! Lots of suspense...I was waiting with me breath held to see what kind of creature was down below!
Nice and clever. I like the dashes of rhyme and alliteration.
Oh the mothers are so going to love this. :)
Very enjoyable read with a good morale. :P
Fable feel to this one.
Nice.
This is something really special. Defintely one of my favourites
Sweet tale. I thought it might be a fox!
An enchantingly told cautionary tale!
This made me sad. How many little ones get eaten by cats. That's why my cat stays inside, so he can't be the murderer that he truly is. I really enjoyed this piece. Great writing.
Well told. Great pacing. Loved the dialogue. And I guess I'm a little sick, cause this one made me smile.
lissen to yo mama!
Being a cat lover and having seceral in the house I knew it was a cat. Just had to be!!!
Very Aesopian indeed. Well written!
My money was on cat, too. Sly, cunning creatures.
Nice fabled tone here.
So so stupid of the little one. I love the style of your piece. Very well done.
Being cooped in your nest is sometimes good!
Had the fable feel to it somehow the unhappy demise fit to well! Clever.
be wary of the dangers and listen to the mother. nice tale.
Tim - this is a perfectly formed little fable. I think it would work really well as a teaching aide for 'stranger danger'. (I work in a school).
Lovely build up to the inevitable sad ending.
Love the final line!
Nicely paced story, with a purrr-fectly predictable ending. Still, an original interpretation of the photograph.
LOVE the voice of the cat! Being a cat person, I can totally see it! Sneaky. Mischevious, malevolent. ;) Great job! Loved it!
my caveat
Something I Would Keep
The movement, grammar, dialogue are all expertly crafted (I get really irked when they're not...but then I'm high maintenance picky like that.)
Something I Might Tweak
the predictability - there are some really fresh bits to this piece, and I think you could definitely apply that same skill to the plot
A fun read! Always listen to your mom is what I tell my kids.
;-)
Ah, the young always seems to think they know better than Mother, until it's proved otherwise.
Congrats on the H/M!
Dottie :)
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