Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Entry #219

Snowy Embankment
by Louise Keating

“Wish I was him!” Martin said, gazing through the snow speckled windscreen at the eagle as it circled overhead.

Maireen snorted. “Why? So we could just fly out of here?”

The car was not going anywhere. Their digging and straining had only helped to push it more deeply down the embankment into the snow.

“How long more before someone comes by, do you think?” Martin said, peering through the ice crusted glass of the passenger window.

“How the hell would I know!”

The words, frosty as her breath, were out before she could stop them. The fact was, she knew maybe no one would come by at all. Not today anyway.

“Sun’ll go down soon,” she said. “It’s getting colder.”

“Try your celphone again,” Martin suggested.

“God, Martin, I told you. It’s dead!!!”

Martin’s lips pressed tightly together, then relaxed. He tilted his head and looked up at the eagle.

“Creepy,” he said.” Reminds me of those movies where the vultures circle, waiting for you to die!”

Maireen shivered. “Try the engine again.”

He turned the key in the ignition once more. The car chugged, then coughed, then sighed into silence.

Maireen blinked away a tear. “It’s no use,” she whispered.

Martin’s arms were around her then, his cheek against hers.

“We’ll keep each other warm,” he said. “They’ll find us. I promise. Someone will come.”

Only the cold came as darkness fell. Icy numbness lulled them to sleep, all trace of them disappearing beneath a blanket of falling snow.


Laurel said...

Chilling. Literally. I love the every day way she snaps at him and then the tender gesture.

McKoala said...

Chilling, heh heh... Very lifelike dialogue that carries the story really nicely.

Jean Ann Williams said...

Too real! Very well written. So sad that this does happen.

Jean Ann

Aniket said...

Love the dialogue. Very tongue-in-cheek yet tender.

Loved reading it.

laughingwolf said...

way cool, louise!

Aerin said...


Something I Would Keep

The dialogue - so nicely done, it moves, it conveys double meanings, it's never clunky - good job

Something I Might Tweak

I'm not a fan of overusing exclamation points, so the three after "dead" are a little overkill for me.

Preeti said...

The conversation ensued flawlessly. I loved this for the sheer fact it read smoothly and my attention did not waver at all.

The last part where they reach out to each other was particularly touching.

Beautiful. :-)

James R. Tomlinson said...

I like the setting of your story, and the conflict. The dialogue is very natural, especially: "How long more..." It certainly beats the stuffiness of "How much longer..." Nicely done.

Deb Smythe said...

Nice job of portraying your characters through dialogue.

truevoid said...

nicely done! chilling!!

Aimee Laine said...

Oh how sad and to know that actually happens. :(

Zombies-R-Us said...

Well written, tense, with a great voice. Dialog is perfect. Nice work.

JaneyV said...

I love the realism of this. Authentic dialogue and situation nicely drawn together. The ending is tragic but I can think of worse ways to go than being lulled to sleep, snuggled by the one you love.

Craig said...

Strong ending.

Leatherdykeuk said...

oh! Such a peaceful end!

Corra McFeydon said...

Love the vulture theme here. Nice work!

~ Corra McFeydon

pjd said...

I feel the tragedy in this, which means you've written it well. In recent years, people from around here have died in Oregon and Sierra snows in similar circumstances, and this brings to mind what those early moments on the first day must have been like. Simply terrifying and so lonely.

catvibe said...

God what a horrible predicament. But you put me in it very well. Excellent.

Kartik said...

Oh you could feel for them!

Louise said...

Thanks everyone for your really nice comments (-:

Aerin, you're right. Thanks for pointing it out. I tend to go crazy with my exclamation points!

It's been great reading all the amazing stories in this contest.

I'm so glad I stumbled across "The Clarity Of Night" (-:

Cheryl said...

Well done, Louise. I LOVED IT! Even though it was chilling and sad.