Thursday, January 07, 2010

Entry #32

Birds of Passionate Prey
by Kim Soles

Place – The steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum.
Me – Red slinky dress.
Him – Button down cotton shirt and jeans.
Sky – Lavender blue, overcast.
Bird – We both notice the silhouette of a large bird of prey.
I say – “It’s a hawk.”
He says – “It’s an eagle.”
Drinks – Marley’s Pub.
Conversation – Discuss the bird with the bartender, who agrees with him that it’s an eagle.
Car - We talk about what is missing in our life.
He – Kisses me.
I – Kiss him back.
Passion – His hand is on my hard nipple, sending sparks throughout my body.
Plans – He will follow me home in his car.
Road – The winding, road is empty of cars, I peak in my rear view mirror at him.
Red light – I look up and see the bird, floating circles. We are close to my house.
House –A kiss on the porch and I unlock the door, we make our way upstairs.
Passion – He slips my dress off and lifts me on the bed.
Lust – I unzip his jeans.
Naked - We embrace, entwining legs, locking, and licking.
Him – He rides me.
I – Sway under his heaviness, moving, thrusting, sucking.
We – In ecstasy, moaning, sweating.
He – Rolls over.
I – Squirm with welcomed sensation, wrapping the cool sheet around me.
Light – the candle’s light creates a shadow from the objects on the table.
I say – The shadow looks exactly like the hawk we saw.
He says – The shadow looks exactly like the eagle.


wrath999 said...

I like the presentation (style) An enjoyable read

Sarah Laurenson said...

Very interesting take on 'he said, she said'. Wasn't suer I would like the style, but I did.

pjd said...

"we talk about what is missing in our life"
That, combined with the final two lines, tells the entire story for me and really completes it for me.

The odd construction was a risk, and for me it worked to a point but became a little bit of a roadblock by the end.

Lena said...

Love the way you presented it. Enjoyed reading. Though maybe I would like it to be shorter.

Aniket said...

I liked the construction a lot. Its unique.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Thanks for bringing summer out in winter though. This piece is Hot! :)

Bernita said...

Don't think you need "road" and "red light" sequence,
but neatly tied up at the end.
An interesting variation, nicely done.

Kartik said...

Very unique construction ... and spreadeagle eh? :)

Chris Eldin said...

I liked that you took a chance and did something different. Very nice. THe last two lines really summed everything up.

SzélsőFa said...

you led us readers with your unique style. somehow the ending was sad. they're still a word apart.

JaneyV said...

Darn it - Blogger went and chewed my comment.

Kim - I just said that I loved this. I like the construction and I love the end. I didn't find it sad at all. I think it's packed with wry humour. It's a real "picture the scene" scenario. I can see her telling it to her girlfiend over a cosmopolitan.

I think this was really fun.

Leatherdykeuk said...

lovely construction!

Meghan said...

I agree. The construction is really unique.

Preeti said...

After Mithun (#36)'s i think yours is really a very unique read. there is something about narratives which break. the rhythm actually intoxicates. add to it a story of lovers and the seduction is complete.
I loved this. Truly.

Four Dinners said...

Unique is good but sells it short I reckon.

There's something more there than unique.

Read again peeps.

It's a whole lot better than unique.

So there...;-)

maybe genius said...

I really enjoyed the little bites this piece allowed us. We just get little peeks into the moment, which makes it that much more interesting.

Craig said...

Original approach. You took a chance and it worked. It really allowed you to get a lot out of a few words. Good Job.

Kate said...

You made this risky construction worked really well, the pace was great.

Janel said...

Very interesting style. Great tension in the relationship beyond the passion.

Amias said...

Interesting. Men can be stubborn.

laughingwolf said...

odd, but likable...

Ayodele Morocco-Clarke said...

It isn't too often that one takes a gamble and it pays off. But here you have just done that. I enjoyed reading this piece...immensely.

Scattercat said...

The structure supports and reinforces the theme. Well-built.

kashers said...

I normally loathe this kind of style, but you pulled it off. Well done.

Laurel said...

I really love this, top to bottom. I like the style, the scene setting and the take on the prompt. It feels like something magical is happening.

And I can absolutely see them having the hawk/eagle argument for the next fifty years. They're both the city it's a peregrine falcon!

catvibe said...

It was really fun to read and I loved the end, it made me laugh. Nice job.

Jimmie Vee said...

There's nothing like a story with a "happy ending." This was interesting material, to say the least - I liked it.

CJT said...

Definately a different layout, nice job Kim

truevoid said...

different narration style. i liked it.

Harper said...

Well, do I perceive seeds of discord to rip apart their future happiness? Funny how a relationship that works on so many levels might fail on a technicality—hawk, eagle; eagle hawk. This is slick and entertaining, I enjoyed it a lot, Kim.

Liz S said...

I absolutely love the structure of this piece. It allowed you to say all that needed to be said in just a few words. Beautiful.

quin browne said...


james r tomlinson said...

There's certainly a natural progression of events here, which, unfortunately, lead to a disagreement of what type of bird they saw.

Deb Smythe said...

I love that you took a risk AND pulled it off. Although truthfully, by the time I got to the end of the piece, I was so caught up in the story I'd forgotten all about the unusual construction.

Kim Soles said...

Thank you all for reading and commenting on my piece. It was not my usual, and I did decide to take a somewhat daring approach with this promt. Nothing like a non-fiction date inspiring a fictional tale.

Michael Solender said...

I love the construction of this piece and the flow. Clever concept well executed.

Aerin said...

Dear Entrants #1-105,

I have read your pieces so that I can fairly participate in the Readers' Choice vote. (I read all of them through last week, before I started commenting.) I will be coming back around to offer my keep/tweak comment, but I didn't want anyone to snark.

Aerin (#236)

BTW, it's perfectly fine if you still want to snark, but this way you can choose a more appropriate subject, like the new Starbucks paninis or the people over 35 who are exclusively on MySpace

Dottie (My Blog 2.0) said...

Great presentation, inventive and neat!

Congrats on the H/M!

Dottie :)