Monday, June 21, 2010

Beer Philosophers #7--Red Hot



"I need to get me some habaneros."

"What, are your taste buds itching to do the cha cha?"

"I want something hot. I want something that's gonna make me bawl. Like I just lost my puppy."

"Awww. That's sad."

"So do you have any habaneros?"

"Nope. Fresh out."

"No pepper sauce? Nothing with a skull or bubonic plague on the label?"

"No."

"Damn. What about take out menus? Mexican or Indian or something? Where do you keep the serious stuff?"

"Nothing like that around here, man."

"Come on! I need me some hotness! I'm going to meet someone later tonight!"

"Wait. What? You're meeting someone later?"

"Yeah."

"You mean like a date?"

"Well, not exactly a date. But it could be date. I'd like to turn it into a date."

"Putting aside this shocking revelation, what do habaneros have to do with a date?"

"Well, you know...."

"Really. I don't."

"You know. Hot food makes you...hot."

"No. Only the gym makes you hot."

"No, no. That's not what I mean. I mean hot. You know. Like Redwood, if you get my drift. Sequoia even. Plant a forest...nudge nudge, wink wink."

"Wait, you mean--"

"I do!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"You're freaking nuts."

"Dude. There's been studies. I'm serious."

"Look, spicy food makes you sweat. I've certainly heard that. That's why it's so popular in cultures that live in hot parts of the world. When you sweat, it cools you down. Ironic, when you think about it."

"Yeah, it makes you sweat. And it also makes little Elvis find his hound dog."

"..."

"I see you're speechless."

"And you've experienced this yourself?"

"Yep. Definitely."

"Okay. Okay. Let me ask you this. Remember last year when we ordered all that serious, kick-ass Mexican food?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to you at 2:30 in the morning?"

"Oh."

"Not 'oh.' Tell me what happened. You remember."

"Well, I kind of had a somewhat serious...somewhat catastrophic...environmental disaster in the bathroom."

"Indeed, you did."

"But..."

"And that's my point exactly. Little Elvis aside, the real situation involves the butt. I tell you, the horror I witnessed that night not only left me with deep emotional scars, but it probably was the most un-sexy thing I could ever imagine. Even if you gave me the rest of my life to think about it."

"I'm beginning to see your point."

"Very good."

"So, do you happen to have a nice yogurt? Or maybe a little leftover paté?"

14 comments:

Erratic Thoughts said...

Hahaha...that was too good...
Nice one..:):)

SzélsőFa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SzélsőFa said...

thank you for the laugh :)
i know that hot food is often hot twice because my husband sometimes complains about the uhm...'sensations'..
it's strange though that women don't seem to experience the same.

....Petty Witter said...

Well thats made my day, I laughed till I cried. Little Elvis? Please tell me this is fiction rather than fact.

Oddyoddyo13 said...

LoL

Priceless.

Bernita said...

Guys...What gives them the willies...

blackwatertown said...

Good fun.
Little Elvis?! Excellent.

Cloudia said...

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

Dottie (Tink's Place) said...

Lil Elvis...LOLOLOL Yeah, Mexican food that make a bathroom a constant comfort....

Dottie :)

jason evans said...

Erratic Thoughts, welcome! And thanks!

Szelsofa, oh yeah, it's definitely blistering on the way out.

Petty Witter, did you really?? That's too cool if you did! As for the "effects" of hot food, yeah, it's just in this guy's head. Fiction.

Oddyoddyo13, just ignore these weird pieces. You'll meet crazy dudes like this in a few years.

Bernita, ha! Indeed.

Blackwatertown, welcome! To be fair, I heard the term "Little Elvis" somewhere. A movie or something. I can't claim that one.

Cloudia, aloha!

Dottie, you can't stray too far away.

Tabitha Bird said...

HAHAHAHAAHA!
I love the beer philosophers! Yes, the butt is the problem. :)

jason evans said...

Tabitha, I'm kind of partial to the beer philosophers too. :)

Terri said...

:-D

Aniket said...

Trust me, I know Indian food. And the things it can do to you. :)