Beer Philosophers #7--Red Hot

"I need to get me some habaneros."

"What, are your taste buds itching to do the cha cha?"

"I want something hot. I want something that's gonna make me bawl. Like I just lost my puppy."

"Awww. That's sad."

"So do you have any habaneros?"

"Nope. Fresh out."

"No pepper sauce? Nothing with a skull or bubonic plague on the label?"

"No."

"Damn. What about take out menus? Mexican or Indian or something? Where do you keep the serious stuff?"

"Nothing like that around here, man."

"Come on! I need me some hotness! I'm going to meet someone later tonight!"

"Wait. What? You're meeting someone later?"

"Yeah."

"You mean like a date?"

"Well, not exactly a date. But it could be date. I'd like to turn it into a date."

"Putting aside this shocking revelation, what do habaneros have to do with a date?"

"Well, you know...."

"Really. I don't."

"You know. Hot food makes you...hot."

"No. Only the gym makes you hot."

"No, no. That's not what I mean. I mean hot. You know. Like Redwood, if you get my drift. Sequoia even. Plant a forest...nudge nudge, wink wink."

"Wait, you mean--"

"I do!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"You're freaking nuts."

"Dude. There's been studies. I'm serious."

"Look, spicy food makes you sweat. I've certainly heard that. That's why it's so popular in cultures that live in hot parts of the world. When you sweat, it cools you down. Ironic, when you think about it."

"Yeah, it makes you sweat. And it also makes little Elvis find his hound dog."

"..."

"I see you're speechless."

"And you've experienced this yourself?"

"Yep. Definitely."

"Okay. Okay. Let me ask you this. Remember last year when we ordered all that serious, kick-ass Mexican food?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to you at 2:30 in the morning?"

"Oh."

"Not 'oh.' Tell me what happened. You remember."

"Well, I kind of had a somewhat serious...somewhat catastrophic...environmental disaster in the bathroom."

"Indeed, you did."

"But..."

"And that's my point exactly. Little Elvis aside, the real situation involves the butt. I tell you, the horror I witnessed that night not only left me with deep emotional scars, but it probably was the most un-sexy thing I could ever imagine. Even if you gave me the rest of my life to think about it."

"I'm beginning to see your point."

"Very good."

"So, do you happen to have a nice yogurt? Or maybe a little leftover paté?"